What I Should Have Done Was Nothing

I had visions of what I would do with this free time. 

Lounging on the sofa binge-watching my own shows, shows that aren’t Cocomelon. Laying on the beach reading a book, not clutching my toddler from the current at the surf. Sitting in my quiet office and focusing on my writing, instead of typing on my phone in a stolen moment waiting for my Instacart pick-up (#sorrynotsorry). 

This past summer I couldn’t help but fantasize about a few hours a day of down time while the boys are both at school. I love these days fully immersed in motherhood, but my boys are one hundred percent non-stop. That first day I dropped Oliver off at school I did completely bask in a morning at the beach with Nathan but I, admittedly, have not lounged at all since then. I’ve chosen to do a lot of the same things I did before when I had Oliver balanced on my hip...post office, grocery store, quick run, clean the kitchen before the next meal.

As a stay-at-home parent, I’m unsure of how to reconcile that completely self-imposed guilty feeling of doing nothing. I have this overwhelming drive to knock out the laundry, the dishes, the meal prep, but probably not mail the wedding RSVP that will still somehow ride around on my dashboard for weeks until the due date passes. 

This was on my mind this week when we read Frederick, a 1968 Caldecott Winner, by Leo Lionni. This story is about a family of mice working hard to store up for winter, all except Frederick, who seems to be barely pulling his weight. When his family asks him why he is not working, he says he is collecting rays from the sun or colors from the meadow or words to fill the long winter days ahead. Sure enough, hibernation brings hunger and boredom to the mice… and Frederick’s moment comes. He shares his memories of the sunshine and the colors of the meadow. He even regales them with a poem, filling their hibernating hearts with joy.

Frederick reminded me that, while, sure, the kitchen does eventually need to get cleaned, doing the chores is not what I bring to the table. Frederick reminded me not to confuse sitting still with doing nothing. If I don’t rest now, I won’t have any real joy to give later. 

#leolionni